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if i didn't have a sense of humor

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May 03, 2010

Old People: Cranky and Constipated

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Barbara: I am a freelance writer, former TV and radio news writer and self-professed trivia junkie. I delight in boring my friends with 60’s pop culture, and I always win in the Baby Boomer and TV editions of Trivial Pursuit. I’m pretty good at Pictionary too.

I am officially published now, albeit in a trade magazine, but three articles in a trade mag is more than I had, AND I got paid for each one!!

I have been a professional executive and personal assistant for the past 30 years, I can also cook, bake and drive really, really fast.

I now live in New Mexico where I have literally started my life over.

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Midol1
Mike1
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Miltown1
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minnie22
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Minnie Method1
minnie poo1
minnie surgery1
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mirror friend1
mmm sardines1
mmmm1
mmmm burger1
modess1
modglin1
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mom8
mom dresses like a french maid1
mom is a vegetarian1
mom made cat food for dinner1
moms1
moms drunk again1
moms taking yellow pills again1
monarch foods1
money money money1
monkees1
monkey mark1
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Montezuma2
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more power2
motaste1
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mother1
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mothers2
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moustache rides1
movie magazines1
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mr rogers gone bad1
mri1
MS1
multiple personalities1
munsingwear5
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mustache burn2
mutilate1
mutt1
my bologna has a first name1
my dad2
my first date1
my life is over1
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naked butt1
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nekkid2
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new dog1
new house1
new pug1
new pup1
new sweater1
new yard1
new years day1
new years eve2
nfl1
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Nico1
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no burger burger1
no car seats1
no fear1
no man got laid in those undies1
no man is any good without a woman1
no moving parts1
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no one likes my giveaways1
no pattern required1
no pineapple for you1
no really1
no really im full1
no tare under ware1
no tear fly1
no torso man1
no valentine for you1
no wax tile1
norelco razor1
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now1
Number One1
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october is pit bull awareness month1
odd companies1
odd people3
odd shape1
off with their heads1
oh boy oh boy1
oh god that smells bad2
oh my god my hand is rotting off1
oh my god they still make them1
oh my god when did i get so old1
oh my so wunnerful1
oh so happy1
oh so pretty1
oh sure1
oh well1
oh woe is me1
oh YUM1
oil slick1
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old1
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old hag1
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old maid1
olive tree1
Onassis1
one born every minute1
one-eyed duck1
Oneida1
only blondes matter1
only her hairdresser knows for sure1
ooh that itch1
open open open1
open up the garbage can and make a sandwich1
operations1
operator1
or your money back1
orange clothes1
orange juice1
order the crotchless undies1
orgasmic bras1
orgasms1
oscar meyer is the devil1
outdoor playsets1
owie1
oxygen tent1
ozone1
ozone depletion1
padding1
paint2
painting1
painting the kitchen1
pajama party1
palmolive1
pamoja1
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pantyhose of death1
parents1
partial birth cake1
partridge family1
party1
parvo1
pass me the lysol2
pass the nose spray1
pasted head1
pat boone1
patio1
Paul Newman1
paul newman dead1
pawsitive1
peace1
peace love and hair1
peanut butter1
pedigree adoption drive1
pedobear1
pee1
pee your panties1
peel like a snake1
peg legged old fart1
peggy olsen1
people who eat nuts will kill you in your sleep1
per minute charges1
perfumed nail polish1
perimenopause1
period1
perma-broom1
perry como1
pet food drive1
peter perfect1
petlaughs.com1
phantom kotex will kill you in the night1
pharmaceuticals1
pharmaceuticals are our friends1
phenobarbital1
photo mug1
photobooths1
picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue1
picking up men1
picking your nose is disgusting1
pickup moves that don't work1
picky eaters1
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pimple cream1
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pink champale1
pink like spam1
pinkapade1
pip1
pip and puddles1
pirates of the carribean1
piss and moan1
pit bulls1
pith helmet2
pizza1
pj's1
placidyl1
plaid1
planter2
plants1
plastic surgery1
play kitchen1
playboy says it makes you look cool1
please give to lexi1
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plop plop fizz fizz1
plugged up1
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PMS1
pointy boobies1
poison1
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police1
polident1
ponds1
poo1
poor widow1
pop eyed mothers1
porcelain god1
pork chops1
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pornographer1
pouty nipples1
powder1
power of the paw6
powerful BO producers1
prayers needed1
precancerous skin1
Predictive Index Survey1
premature ejaculation1
prepubescent love1
pretentious assholes1
pretty boy1
pretzels1
primitive communication1
prince gardner1
prince matchabelli1
prissy man1
pro-life2
proposal1
prunes1
psuedo chinese food1
psycho woman1
psychotic1
psychotic women1
pudding1
puddles2
puerto rican rum1
pug needs help1
pugs1
puppy1
pursettes1
pus1
put chalk in your armpits1
put it in your coffee so no one knows1
qiana1
Quaalude1
quickie2
rachel ray4
radiance1
raff out roud1
ragu1
rah rah1
rainbow bridge1
ralf2
ralph1
ralphie1
random acts of weirdness1
random sex under desks1
random sex with strangers2
rather have TB than be fat2
rattan1
RC Cola1
reactions1
real man2
recipes for the stupid2
recordable pet toys1
red1
Red Asphalt 21
red swingline stapler1
redheaded stepchild1
reds1
reeboks1
regularity is next to godliness1
relationships3
remember our service members1
remember the byte1
remodel3
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republicans1
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resolutions1
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rested1
retch1
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ribs1
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rich old men1
richard simmons1
ride em cowboy1
ridiculous egg dish1
ridiculous undies1
right on Christie1
righteous dude2
ring1
ring around the pillowcase1
ring around the...oh wrong commercial1
road rage1
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rock tumble1
rocket man1
rodent breath1
roger roger1
rollerskating1
romping and rolling in the rockies1
roughage1
Roxanne1
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ruff life1
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ruffled shirts1
ruffles get you laid1
rules rules rules1
run forrest run2
run Minnie run1
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run run run1
run sister1
run your fingers through the goo1
saccharine sweet1
sacrifice1
sad1
saggy noodles1
saint patrick's day1
sales1
Salted almonds equal psychotic bitch from hell1
samsonite1
sanding1
sandpapering your vajayjay1
sangria1
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sarah palin3
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Scandanavian Air Service1
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schick1
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schlitz2
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seagrams1
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September 111
september 11 20011
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serious sex was traded for this car1
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service with a smile3
sex3
sex appeal2
sex euphamisms1
sex perspiration1
sex sells1
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sexy2
sexy hair1
shake it up1
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shave your legs for this1
she likes cans1
she shot spider1
she's all yours1
sheets1
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shine on1
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shocking1
shooting1
shopping with a wedgie1
short veil means youre a slut1
shortenin'1
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shoulder sucking1
shower cap1
shutterfly1
shutterfly christmas cards1
sick3
sick and twisted1
sidesaddle and ready1
sigh1
silken pleasure1
silly song1
simon and simon1
single woman1
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sisters2
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sixties2
sk upid1
ska1
skateboarding dogs1
skinny1
skinny bitch1
skippy1
skippy lou2
skivvy patrol1
slack power1
sleep2
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sleeping1
sleepless in sacramento1
sleepy2
sleepy sunday1
sleepy-time1
slick1
slob1
slow food movement1
slurring1
slut1
small penis1
smart1
smart golddigger1
smell like a guy1
smell my finger1
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smelly1
smileyface1
smoke2
smoke a lot1
smoke that cigarette1
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smug bitch1
smuggling1
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snips snails puppy dog tails1
snl1
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snoopy1
snot snot snot1
snotty1
so adorable1
soap2
socialized medicine2
sock stuffers1
soldiers1
solving world problems1
something to talk about1
somethings really wrong here1
sopranos household1
sore throat1
sorry I was driving thru the canyon and lost you1
soup shakes1
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Spawn Ranch1
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special orders dont upset us1
speedo1
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spindle1
spinster1
spit shine1
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spray starch1
springmaid1
sprinkler1
spry1
squeaky1
stab hand1
stand up straight1
state fair1
stayin alive stayin alive1
staying on the ledge1
stepford wife1
stephanie nielson1
stepped on a pop top1
stereotype1
stewardess2
stick a finger down your throat1
sticks and stones1
sticky undies2
stiff legged man1
stinky boy2
stinky breath1
stinky smelly ick1
stirfry1
stitches1
stomachache1
stoned1
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stress1
stretch clothing1
stretch jeans1
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Stubby1
stud1
study yourself1
stuff it in your turkey harold1
stuff up your nose1
stupid bitch1
stylist2
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sucker1
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suicide2
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surfboard1
surgery2
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surreal1
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sweat eats stockings1
sweater day1
sweating1
sweating to the oldies1
sweaty crotch1
swede1
sweet 161
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swinger1
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swishy1
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taxes1
team puddles1
ted1
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tee hee1
teenagers1
temp work1
thank a veteran1
thanksgiving4
that asshole1
that fresh scent1
that tingly feeling1
the 70s1
the best of everything1
the big c1
the big o1
the cars1
the clock is now a mosaic1
the common cold1
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the e is invisible1
the end is near2
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the more you eat1
the perfect wedding1
the red light airline1
the remarkable zipper1
the squirts1
the taletellers1
the tragedy1
the voice of pleasure1
the voices in my head are my friends1
the voices talk to me2
the war1
the world outside'1
they say its your birthday1
thick womb1
thin wallet1
this close to decrepit1
thisclose to prostitution1
those pesky kids1
those who have passed on1
thoughtful thursday1
three dogs1
threesome1
thrift store finds1
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thumb1
thumbs are evil1
tid e bowl1
tiffy1
tight pants1
tim the toolman taylor1
time for booze1
time is on my side1
tinted1
tiny life1
tiparillo1
tired3
tired old women1
tired pup1
titty pink1
tittymouse1
Titus1
tobacco is cool1
toga1
toilet1
toilet cleaner1
toilet essence1
toilet paper1
tomatoes gone bad1
tommy burger1
tongues1
too cool1
toothbrush1
torn cruciate1
torpedo tits1
toss in a handful of nuts1
total electric home1
touchy1
towel snap3
towels2
toys1
TPS reports1
tranquilizers1
treadmill test1
treat them like dogs and never give them any1
treatment1
trixie7
trixie hates minnie1
Trixie the wonder pup1
trolling for women1
trolls1
tub o lard1
tubby1
tuna souffle1
tuna surprise2
tuna terror1
turkey2
turn off the headlights1
turn on the exhaust fan1
turning tricks1
tutored1
tuxedo1
tweed1
Tweedles1
Twix1
two ton tess1
typewriters1
ugly clothes1
uh oh spaghetti-o2
UK2
underwear3
underwear for your sweetie1
undies4
unemployment1
uniform1
uninterested player1
uninvite1
United1
unmarked1
unmarried1
unseen1
uplifting1
usage charges1
used to cost a quarter1
va-rice-ity1
vacation1
vacuum1
vacuum helmet1
valentines day2
valium1
valrhona1
valspar1
vampire1
van dyke1
vanish1
vapid bitches1
vaseline1
veet1
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Vietnam1
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vitalis1
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vo1
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walkies1
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warm1
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Warning: May contain nuts1
wash em up1
wash your eyes too1
wash your woolie1
washer1
we 3 doxies1
we are the world1
we didnt do it2
we killed four alligators for this bag1
We love Corbin1
we luv em1
we remember1
we thought we were the shizzle1
we'll never forget1
we're sick of your dog1
wear dead animals1
wear-ever aluminum pans1
weepy rash1
weird day1
welcome to supercuts can I help you1
welcome to the 70s1
welcome to the 80s1
welcome to the sixties1
well duh2
wenlo-white1
westwood sandwich1
weve come a long way baby1
what happens to me1
what have I gotten myself into1
what men want1
what not to wear1
what the hell is on the back of the seats1
what to do with random stuff in your fridge1
what was I thinking1
what were we thinking1
whatever1
whatever dude1
whats that thing1
When Granny Panties Were Coolbeau-sure1
when pregnancy was the worst that could happen1
when you had imagination1
where are the cigarettes1
wheres the booze1
whip it good1
white sauce1
white trash pudding1
who cares about cancer1
who needed pillows1
whoa1
whooptidoo1
whoosits1
whore1
why did we have four children1
why don't you whistle when you fart while wearing a thong2
why is their bedroom door locked1
why it's just like the real thing1
why yes its a stradavarius1
wiinner1
will i die1
willpower1
willy wonka1
win a girl1
windshield wipers1
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winner winner chicken dinner7
wishing on a star1
witches nose1
withit1
wives1
woking is easy1
wolf in sheeps clothing1
women who love too much1
won't you be my follower1
wonder bread1
wool clothing1
woolie1
wordless wednesday2
working girls1
working the corner1
world war 11
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worn out1
wrestling1
wrinkles1
WTF?2
wussy1
Xanax1
ya'll can eat now1
yakking in the toilet1
yeah2
yeah it means canape1
yeah you betcha1
yeast2
yes1
yes this happens every day1
yes yes yes1
yet another jeep video1
yo ho ho and a bottle of rum1
you are a fluke of the universe1
you are a nasty nasty girl1
you can call her a hostess1
you can't be made gay1
You deserve a break today1
you guys rock1
you have no right to be here1
you know Marion is a slut1
you rock1
you smell1
you suck1
you want it1
you'll shoot your eye out1
you're old1
youll wish you were dead1
your chances for stds are great2
your fat ass1
your friends suck1
your hubby wears dresses1
your husband is more important than you1
your momma1
your mommas panties1
your name's gone there's no reason why anymore1
your nylons are dying1
your own hostess1
your parents were cheap1
youre ugly1
youth1
yucky1
yum1
zog1
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