Another night where sleep eludes me. It seems that once I lie down, the fear takes hold. Once September's mortgage is paid, there is no more money. Never mind gas, food, electricity...there is no more money.
Every day I look for work. Last week I applied for a state, a city and a county job. I sent out twenty-five resumes. I called all the agencies that are supposedly looking to find me work but are not calling. It must be the fear that keeps me awake.
Routines of normal life persist; tomorrow I take mom to the monthly antique show, eat an early dinner with her. As I walk up and down the aisles with her I pretend that I see nothing that interests me, chatter on like a monkey...all to not let her see how scared I am. She'll hand me money, or insist on buying me something and the guilt will overwhelm me. She's already given me money for bills to pay, clothes to interview in...she never expects the money back, but the guilt haunts me. Well, that and the fact that now she says "and you can't use the money on ebay!!"
Friday she wanted to go to the casino. I hate casinos. We drove for an hour only to find the casino filled past fire code capacity - five hour waits for all restaurants. She was pissed. There wasn't room to walk, let alone find a machine and sit down. We left. It was like the world was conspiring against both of us that day. God help the casino that won't let my mother play! She vows never to darken their doorstep again, just like she did the last time we went. I came home and fell dead asleep for four hours. My stash of depression meds is running dangerously low.
My editor does not return my emails any more. No ceremony, no "we don't need your proofreading skills anymore", nothing.
Still, I'm trying to find the humor in all of this.
1. Unemployment means you don't have to shower. I can smell as badly as I want to.
2. You never have to figure out what to wear. I can wear the same thing every day.
3. The car doesn't need gas. Many people would think this is a plus.
4. I can horrify the mailman by not wearing makeup. This is actually fun.
5. I can watch game shows and realize people are dumber than I am.
5. I can get free food from the food bank.
6. I can lie on the grass with the dog and watch the birds.
But now, I'm just invisible.