Monday, January 17, 2011

Constipated For LIFE!

constipatedsincechildhood

Poor Alice.

From birth, she had been constipated.

That’s right, from BIRTH.

It was a hard life.  Everything she ate gave her gas and then locked up her system until she couldn’t function. Finally, out of desperation, she quit her job, took to her bed and called Dr. Ploos van Amstel all the way in Amsterdam.  He prescribed yeast, that wonder drug of the 1930s.  There wasn’t anything yeast couldn’t cure; acne, gout, a big butt, ugliness…yeast was the cure!

Alice’s intestines were relaxed and she was able to poo with confidence soon after, which led to many party invitations. Happiness reigns again in Alice’s world.

Just follow Dr. Ploos’ prescription of 3 yeast cakes a day before meals and YOU TOO can have lovely skin and happy poos!

personal note:  I am having surgery on my thumb on Thursday.  I am hoping to pre-schedule my blog with fun stuff for you, but if I go missing, it’s because I can’t type with one hand! 

I managed this weekend to lay 20 bags of bark, clean out the garage, make two runs to the dump, clean my entire house (dog hair still beats me) and do laundry, change all the sheets, do the dishes, pick up poop in the yard, find Minnie when she escaped, build a Rubbermaid storage unit, organize the garage a bit and make cookies.  Did I say that my body is completely dead? I haven’t hurt this badly in a long, long time!  But I got stuff done!

12 comments:

just call me jo said...

I don't know how old you are, but once I turned 50 I just couldn't work like that anymore, for as long, at all without being sincerely sick afterward. I'd need surgery on more than my thumb if I did all that. Go you!

houndstooth said...

Dang it! No wonder I've been sick! It's because we don't have any yeast. I'll be adding that to the grocery list for next time.

Oh, ouch! I had to have nerve repair surgery in my thumb a few years ago and it wasn't fun, but I did become very adept at one-handed typing! Good luck to you! I hope everything goes well!

jen said...

LOL! Thanks for laugh:)

Good luck with your surgey. I hope you have a speedy recovery:)

Wyatt said...

Holy smokes, that's a lot of chores! You better go eat a yeast cake...BOL!!

Hope your paws are up and running soon!!

Wyatt

Dana@Mid2Mod said...

I think I used to work with that constipated woman...before she took the cure. :)

Mack said...

That's a lot of yeast!
Good luck with the surgery !!!

Elyse and Riley said...

Okay, that article is too funny!

Wow, you did a lot of work this weekend! Good luck with your surgery.

Elyse and Riley

Eartha Kitsch said...

Whoa! What a weekend! Thinking of all of that work that you did completely made me forget my lifelong battle with constipation. For a bit.

I hope that your surgery goes well. I also hope that it's not your best hitchhiking thumb as I'll be realyl pissed if you cancel our cross-country "could be a serial killer but gas is expensive" brushes-with-death 1970's flashback tour that we've planned for this Summer. Just sayin'. You're our eye candy and without you by the side of the road, we won't even make it out of California.

My god, I'm glad that you found Minnie! You sure do pack a lot into a weekend!

Dolores said...

Yeast, yeee gads! I remember when I was a child, my mother would give me Syrup Pepsin every Friday night, whether I needed it or not...she had a phobia about being constipated...

You've totally worn me out reading about all the work you accomplished! You need a nice long rest after all you've done..
I'll be thinking of you on Thursday, and praying all goes well with quick healing.
Hugs,

lifeinredshoes said...

Honey, you don't need surgery nearly as much as you need a vacation!

Tweedles -- that's me said...

i think you are related to the energizer bunny!
i send my bubbles my way to help you with your surgery..
we love you
tweedles

Lidian said...

What a perfect name he has - Dr. Ploos. Yes, yes - a balanced diet, my dear, but PLOOS yeast!

Meet Trixie, Minnie and Jeep!

PitaPata Dog tickers
#1 dog site for dogs & bipeds!
PitaPata Dog tickers
#1 dog site for dogs & bipeds!
PitaPata Dog tickers
#1 dog site for dogs & bipeds!

FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed