Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Recipes For the Stupid, Part 1

stupid husband recipe

Are you inept?  Do you have an inept husband?  As a couple, are you as sophisticated as Pamela Anderson?  Are you afraid to associate with the outside world because of your lack of vegetable knowledge?

Then this recipe is for you!

It’s called “a salad”.

Go to your grocery store and ask where they keep “the vegetables”.  Give them the list in the recipe.  Don’t be afraid.  Vegetables are already dead when you buy them; they don’t bite and rarely cause injury.  Tell the grocer you want “fresh” not “frozen”.

Go home.  Have that ne’er-do-well husband of yours get out his bowie knife and sharpen that up.  Now, cut all the vegetables into pieces that will fit comfortably in your mouth. “Ladylike” in your mouth, not “eating at the fillin’ station” pieces.

Now, hopefully you bought the Wesson oil the recipe says, because motor oil definitely will not work here.  Now add salt and pepper, and some vinegar or old, stale moonshine left over from Mary-Ellen’s’ wedding.

Ignore the anchovies.  They’re just rotten fish.  Unless you like rotten fish, then add them.

Mix all of the stuff together.  You have just made “a salad”. 

Hot damn, invite the neighbors. You can cook!

11 comments:

Lidian said...

I might need to rest up a little for this one! Ha ha...At least it doesn't seem to require gelatin ;)

houndstooth said...

ROFL! I need to give this recipe to my step sisters in law! Every year they show up at my dad and stepmom's house and can't even cook boiled water. I wish I were being funny on that one!

Maggie and Mitch said...

We're not sure that we will ever be able to eat salad again! ewwwwwwwwwww

Love ya lots
Maggie and Mitch

3 doxies said...

Thank god fur my mum dat salad now comes in a bag.
Actually, I should say dat her CAN cook but just don't want to anymore (can't stand to get da kitchen messy)

Puddles

Life with 5 dogs said...

Thank You for the Link to Lexi story! Very Much appreciated.

Dolores said...

I'm growing red leaf lettuce, cabbage and broccoli in flower pots on my patio ...it sure beats buying at the store....
Hugs,

giantspeckledchihuahua said...

hmmmm... no ne'er do well husband (or any for that matter) and no bowie knife. What's girl to do??? Oh crap! and I live in dirtville! No grocery store!

Vintage Christine said...

What's with all that extra stuff? Round these here parts a salad is head lettuce, sliced maters, cukes and shredded kerrits. Then you pour five gallons of Ranch dressing all over it, throw on some white bread croutons and dig in. All that other stuff you throw in a pot with some hog jowls and pigs feet and boil the hell out of it! Yer funny fer a Yankee.

Elyse and Riley said...

Haha, this was too funny! I'm going to send the link to this to my sister...and hope she doesn't get offended...he he!

Elyse (and Riley)

Samantha said...

Hilarious, Barbara! And utterly disgusting, as I'm sitting here eating... well... salad! Happy New Year!
xo
Sam, Avalon and Miche

Jabacue said...

I actually know a few people who would 'fit this to a tee'! Seriously! You must be so twisted! lol
Jim

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