Recipes For the Stupid, Part 1
Are you inept? Do you have an inept husband? As a couple, are you as sophisticated as Pamela Anderson? Are you afraid to associate with the outside world because of your lack of vegetable knowledge?
Then this recipe is for you!
It’s called “a salad”.
Go to your grocery store and ask where they keep “the vegetables”. Give them the list in the recipe. Don’t be afraid. Vegetables are already dead when you buy them; they don’t bite and rarely cause injury. Tell the grocer you want “fresh” not “frozen”.
Go home. Have that ne’er-do-well husband of yours get out his bowie knife and sharpen that up. Now, cut all the vegetables into pieces that will fit comfortably in your mouth. “Ladylike” in your mouth, not “eating at the fillin’ station” pieces.
Now, hopefully you bought the Wesson oil the recipe says, because motor oil definitely will not work here. Now add salt and pepper, and some vinegar or old, stale moonshine left over from Mary-Ellen’s’ wedding.
Ignore the anchovies. They’re just rotten fish. Unless you like rotten fish, then add them.
Mix all of the stuff together. You have just made “a salad”.
Hot damn, invite the neighbors. You can cook!