Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Beware The Phantom Kotex!!

phantom kotex

This “announcement of suspense” comes to you directly from the manufacturers of Kotex!!

Are you afraid of the outline of your sanitary napkin being seen?  Does it keep you in at night? Are you afraid of that bitch Jane pointing it out at a party?

Well fear no more, my nervous friend!  The new Phantom Kotex has been genetically altered, shaped and tapered to wear under your most silky, body-hugging gown without a HINT.  Of course, they may still tell you’re “having a visitor” by your mood, but your genuine Kotex (stamped on both ends to foil impersonators) will never betray you. You can use either side (or both, if you’re poor)…they’re both deodorized and protective, perhaps even a little smug.

This is a product of supreme importance, and women will flock to this product.  So you just better get down to the druggist Missy! 

While you’re there, don’t forget to pick up our brochure "Marjorie May’s Twelfth Birthday”, because FIVE MILLION mothers THIS YEAR ALONE will have to take their daughters into a quiet room and have “that talk”.  The “intimacy so characteristic of today’s mother and daughter will result in understand so VITAL to the daughter today…that wife and mom of tomorrow”.  Be courageous and hand this pamphlet to your daughter so she doesn’t have to find out in gym class, okay?

Meanwhile, sneak down to the druggist and hand him a note saying you want that unmarked box or look around at vending machines where we sell them too.  Damn, you’re brave!!

10 comments:

3 doxies said...

Oh crap, I can't even thinks of anything clever cuz I totally lost it afers I gots da pamprin...er pamphlet.

You knows they makes them pads fur hings nowadays...yep, sure as da world! I just wanna know why though.

Puddles

3 doxies said...

Oooops...they makes pads furs thongs these days.

Puddles

houndstooth said...

Puddles! Bwaaaa ha ha!

Oh, I remember the dreaded pamphlet days and the great movie experience we got to have in fourth grade while the boys got to go outside and have a special recess. I can still remember poor Rosemary's mother sharing the story of how she freaked out and was afraid they'd have to have the talk after she wore a new pair of red pants. Not that we all needed to know that. I was never so glad that my mother didn't come to school functions as I was that day!

Vintage Christine said...

You know, I was sooooo happy when insertable plastic tubing was invented so that we wouldn't have to wear those damn bulky bads and ESPECIALLY the freaking belts! Then I went through menopause and was free of the tubes! And then I got old, my bladder started to fail, and guess what I'm back wearing, just in case I laugh too hard or cough or sit down or take a deep breath.

Vintage Christine said...

Pads, not bads. Although they're bad, anyways.

Tweedles -- that's me said...

Barbara
you talk about the funniest things...
i know what your talking about,,,
you are talking about
peeee peeee pads!!
see a Tweedles knows!
love
tweedles

gretchen said...

goodness!
i had one of those, oh, hell moments while traveling in Japan and had to hunt down some 'personal protection'.
Let me tell you, the language problem was fun trying to figure out if what I was buying was really what i wanted. But I knew it probably was the right thing when the clerk wrapped the box in plain paper and then double bagged it.
oh, the shame of being a woman! ;o)

suzieQ said...

I was playing with two of my cousins and we three were called upstairs to get, the talk, from this over weight visiting nurse, a complete stranger. She told us about the correct way to wipe, after number 2, and proceeded to lift her giant buttocks up, to demonstrate. After we ran downstairs, one of my cousins is whooping with laughter with me and my other cousin, is as red as an apple, embarrassed. I felt as though we had been mugged, by our moms, getting someone else to give us, just the facts, ma'm

The Heartbeats said...

Goodness this is funny! Nikki has to wear a pad when she's in heat. Bless her heart!

Mamma Heartbeat

De tout, de rien said...

And, according to the picture, they glow in the dark!

Ooh, too funny. Yes, I'm old enough to remember the dreaded belt. And the first sticky pads left a glue residue on your underwear.

No wonder they call this whole thing the curse!

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