An Explanation

I know I’ve been absent awhile, and I have no good reason.

I have clinical depression.  While I’m on medication, sometimes I just get into these horrible funks where my body just shuts down on me.  I feel neither here nor there…not unhappy, not happy…just existing.

clynt mom I have so many irons in so many fires, what with my brother and mother, and the responsibilities I have with them (which some days I literally ignore while I’ll sit alone in my house feeling sorry for myself).  My life never feels my own.  One day I feel silly and giddy; the next I feel nothing.  Sometimes it feels my entire life is one big routine.

Oh, and did I mention that it’s time to do Minnie’s other leg?  She also has a big histiocytoma (or cytosis, whichever is NOT the bad one) that will be removed as well. photo(16)   She looks like she has a giant pimple on her side.  Guess it’s because she’s hit puberty.  Can anyone say “ProActive”?



My usual answer when someone asks what’s been going on is “nothing ever changes”.  Right now, the depression has manifested itself into a physical thing – the hypochondriac in me says MS or Fibromyalgia or some exotic disease, but as they say, “depression hurts”. chickenhypo

This is the time in my life where someone usually tells me to bootstrap it, and with all my heart, I wish I could.  But being unable to just do what I want when I want just doesn’t exist in my world.

Combine this with a lot of my blog friends losing their beloved pets lately, and it’s just really hard to find the funny in any situation.  I didn’t used to be like that.

So I beg your forgiveness that I’m just not up to being “me” right now.  Know that I read your blogs – I just have nothing original to say. 

You all are really like friends to me, and you mean so much to me.  And I’m really hoping to meet up with Vintage Christine when she comes my way in September and we can compare butt sizes. And one day, I’m gonna get to Tennessee to meet with my sister from another mother, Eartha Kitsch and Texas to meet my blog adopted mom, Dolores.  IT WILL HAPPEN.  I just hope Eartha’s floors are fixed by then!

I’m working on me, and hope to be back – and funny – soon.  I thank God that your blogs are (Puddles, I’m looking at you – and you too, Helen). You guys add light and laughter to my life, and I thank you.

Until then, stay safe, stay happy, stay loved and keep smiling.



Barb...I feel horrible about all you're going through right now. You mentioned Eartha before, so I checked her out and she has one of my favorite blogs. I hope you do get to meet her one day. She has the best attitude and most generous disposition. At least it sounds like the floors are underway. Wish I did have a magic bullet for you, but I don't. I do think you'll navigate through though. You are a very strong (and funny) woman.
houndstooth said…
I can certainly understand depression. I've had battles with it myself. Taking care of you is a full time job and I hope that you do take time to be kind to yourself!
3 doxies said…
Hey theres lady, I ain't gonna tells you to suck it up and go on. Betters said than done, I knows cuz my mum has clinical depression too and it sucks and it's a pain in da ass.
Right nows da most important thing is furs you to takes cares of yourself and to gets betters.
We love and miss you but it needs to be bout you fur nows.
We is heres if you need anything okie dokie Lady?

So sorry you're going through this! I understand, I have been there myself. Do know that the depression WILL lift, it's just a pain not knowing when and you do feel like your life is on hold in the meanwhile. You fail to see how you will ever regain your zest for life, but you WILL, you WILL. It requires patience. Make sure you get all the support you need. And we're here, and we can listen (or read in this case).

Big hugs.
Dana@Mid2Mod said…
Being a caretaker is very, very hard, and sometimes it seems as if it's never going to end. I suffered my share of situational depression when I took care of my mother, so I do understand. Rant, bitch, whatever you need to do. We're here.
Eartha Kitsch said…
I wish that I could fix things or say something witty that would make you feel better but alas, you know. Just know that I love you lots and lots. You're a fabulous gal and are loved by soooooo many people. It's truly not fair that you have so much on your shoulders ALL of the time. Please keep us updated on Minnie.
We hope you feel happy soon, Miss Barbara.

Love ya lots,
Mitch and Molly
24 Paws of Love said…
Been there too many times. Take care of yourself, I know easier said than done. Depression sucks big donkey d***ks. Just hang in there. If you need to vent you can email me. :)
Dolores said…
Oh my sweet ...sweet Barbara.... my daughter from another state..... my heart is breaking for you, but I'm thanking God for your honesty. I've been worried/concerned about you. I've gone over my words, .....I was worried that I'd said something. Now I see that you're just like me.... we get hurt...we shut down.
Oh, how I wish I could give you a big hug.... we could sit and cry and laugh and have our sweet animals giving us their love.... Please KNOW that I think of you often... love you pray for you!!!
hron said…
Barb . . . millions share your struggle with depression . . . now, I don't know if that's comforting or depressing to think about, but it's true. Hope you have tried the medications available. I have a friend who is a doctor. She has Lupus and also struggles with depression. She needs to switch anti-depressants every few years to maintain their effect. She is so thankful that new ones are developed on a fairly regular basis. I also need anti-depressants to handle my foreboding and hypochondria. Thank God it helps . . .
My sweetest Barbara
Oh how I wish
if only
I could send a million bubbles
to swirl around you
and carry you
to me.

If only I could help make the moody blues go away,, but I can't. Oh how I wish I could.
I could tell you soooo much,,, that people I love have this sadness too, and it breaks my heart.
You have too much on your shoulders sweet Barbara.. too much.
I love you- does that help?
Tucker said…
Be strong! And don't worry about the hystocytoma they don't hurts at all and they do away on their own over time but it's no big deal to remove them if another surgery is happening. I had one and it went away - looks like a big blister!

woof - Tucker
Sending love and support. You can't boot strap yourself out of depression, of course, but reminding you to eat right and rest and remember people care about you. And if you can find any reason to laugh, do it.
That photo of your mom and bro is hilarious. Babs, we can't be funny all the time and no one expects you to be funny 24/7. Well, except me of course. I went through the same thing as you with MY mom and her dementia and sometimes I just wanted to clobber her and then kill myself, things would get so bad. I still feel guilty about things I said to her and will never forget walking past her room after we'd had another argument and seeing her sitting on the side of her bed sobbing. That will NEVER leave me. Well, this is a fine howdy-do -- I'm supposed to be lifting YOUR spirits and instead I start moaning about ME. You'll get through this but there are some tremendous bumps you'll encounter. Just know that you have a good friend incarcerated in southern Mississippi who loves you even though I've never met you!

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