Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Want Something Different

county fair cropped We went to the County Fair this weekend.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of wind, of rain.  I want some nice warm sunny days to plant flowers, to watch Minnie run in the sprinklers.  I want to stop wearing sweaters.

I want to travel.  I want to see Paris.  I want to go to Canada.  I want to travel Route 66.

I want to stop picking up prescriptions, talking to doctors, worrying about the next dollar, fearing the next steps in my life.

I want Father’s Day ads to not show on my television.  I want to stop fiercely missing my father and fearing my mother going “to the bridge”.  I fear my life after that.

I’m tired of dull days.  I’m tired of pretending everything is okay on days that they aren’t.  I’m tired of judgment.

I am tired of responsibility.  I yearn to run free and be selfish.

I am tired.

Tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be better.

13 comments:

Cyndi and Stumpy said...

Whatever you do don't run away from home! You could end up someplace like dirtville!

Eartha Kitsch said...

I want to hug you. Or make you let me. Sorry that life is overwhelming. I think it's good at that.

De tout, de rien said...

Aah sweetie, we all get weary. I know that some days, everything feels hard. Some days, even just getting out of bed takes its toll. But you have to remember that some days are also better than others, keep telling yourself that. Some days, things come together quite nicely and it seems all worth it then. And you have to remember to make some of those moments for yourself, to carve out little slices of life goodness.

Dolores said...

Oh Barbara..... how I wish we were neighbors. We could laugh and cry together.
Some days just suck, but then there's tomorrow and I pray it will be better!

Too much rainy weather is hard on the mind..... and too little is hard on the mind....... We're in a BIG DROUGHT, however.... I don't want too much rain.

Thinking of you sweet friend with thoughts and prayers.

houndstooth said...

Tomorrow will be better! If you drive up Route 66, you have to let us know and we'll come meet you when you get to Illinois!

I can relate with some of what you're feeling. I miss my grandmother like crazy. She was more of a maternal figure than my mom, who only remembers I exist at Christmas and Mother's Day, and she died on Mother's Day. The beginning of May is always rather dismal for me, no matter what I do.

Be kind to yourself! Take a walk in the rain if the sun won't shine. Enjoy something that makes you happy, like a peanut butter and chocolate sandwich. Call in sick and curl up in bed with a good book one day. Never underestimate the power of a day spent playing hooky!

(((hugs)))

rottrover said...

Barbara, life just gets exhausting sometimes. And you have so much responsibility for others ALL OF THE TIME. Aside from blogging what do you do for Ms. Barbara? You deserve at least a little time each day - just to regain yourself. It sounds like today you need a little more than a sense of humor. Well, we're here. Thanks for "telling it like it is."

-Lisa and the rotties

laura linger said...

I want all of those things for you, too...and if there is any way that I can help make any of them happen, tell me and it will be done.

Love on you, babe.

Laura

Tweedles -- that's me said...

Sweet Barbara
You are so brave,,, brave to share your feelings with us.... all of us who care.
You are always here for each one of us,, and those around you,,
oh how I wish you knew that we are there for you.
Sometimes when your skys are gray, its best to sit under the branches of a fir tree with a friend..
Together we can sit shoulder to shoulder, and we can wish for some blue skys for you. I will wish on stars that a special touch comes your way.... I understand how you feel. Tomorrow will be better.
i love you
tweedles

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Been there, felt like that too. Hugs to you and I hope things feel better tomorrow!

Dana@Mid2Mod said...

Barbara, I've been exactly where you are right now and know exactly what you're feeling. I know it's small comfort to you right now, but you will make it to the other side of this, and life will get better. In the meantime, go out in the back yard and scream. Then you can go back inside and feel much better. It worked for me.

3 doxies said...

Oh dears Lady, I is terribly sorry it's been tuff furs you! I don't likes to see you hurtin' and pissed off and pissed on.

Just remember..."Dis too shall pass"...yea whatevers! But anyways, we is heres fur you no matters what and I can makes you laugh...or I can be a shoulder too if you needs it.
I sooooooo wished you was my Neighbor...it's be nice to haves a good neighbor:)

Puddles

Elyse and Riley said...

I feel for you about the doctors and prescriptions and money and all of that that keeps us going. I get tired of taking my medicine, but I have to or else I end up in the hospital (I learned that the hard way 7 different times...sheesh!).

Anyway, glad today is better and I'm so sorry you're missing your dad with all the Father's Day stuff floating around. Keep on keepin' on! (I know, that sounds totally lame, fake, and useless...but still).

Elyse (and Riley)

lifeinredshoes said...

The sun has come out, the sweater is still on, let's go to Paris, leave our prescriptions at home, my parents have passed, I have a dollar to myself, things are getting better, but I am very judgemental.

Does that mean no Paris?

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