Your Lazy Panties

Do your panties do nothing?  These do. Seriously, who wants lazy panties?  I want mine to hold back mountains of stomach and butt fat.  I want them to not stick out over my pants.  I want them to stop riding up in unfortunate situations. I want them to be tiny, but feel like heaven.  I want them to attract men without ever showing themselves.  I want them to cure cancer, Alzheimer's and bad breath. But instead, these panties just don't shrink, don't run (run?), don't feel clammy (WTF??) and speed dry (for those days when you just can't hold it).  AND they're granny panties! Give me panties that DO something!  Let's start a panty revolution!!